Toy Division: The Smile Maker is the must-have gift this Christmas!
Have a look at the image above. This is a slide from the government-run welcoming program that Jacqui attended on Saturday. It’s an actual example of how even the Estonian government describes Estonians as being restrained (or even introverted).
To the outsider, this can be confusing when compared to things such as the blasé nature of naked saunas with all and sundry.
Are we receiving mixed messages about Estonia? Are all the supermodels getting a bit antsy?
The answer can be found at the cinema.
On Sunday, we finally got ourselves along to see Bohemian Rhapsody. Sitting through the standard half an hour of ads and previews… we saw it.
An ad for the Smile Maker. Every woman’s best friend.
OK, that was… unexpected?
I mean, don’t get me wrong – sexual health? All systems go! But if you asked me whether I’d expect to see an ad for a range of vibrators at the cinema either in France, or Estonia, I know which I would have chosen!
Which leads me on to the amusing part. Where can one acquire said female companion? What seedy, cloak-and-dagger retailer can satisfy your battery-driven needs? Is it a shady R18+ store down some dark alley? Is it a reputable adult’s only store? Hell, is it even the pharmacy?
Head to your local Euronics store. Euronics! Bluetooth headphones… UHD TVs… Nespresso coffee machines… And the smartphones aren’t the only range that vibrate.
That’s right, the equivalent of JB HiFi, Best Buy, Curry’s PC World (Yeah I know Euronics operates in the UK, but the UK stores don’t stock Smile Makers!). Wonderful. Convenient.
And you know what the best part is? Everything is on sale for Christmas!
Your loved one will be buzzing with excitement when the gift you bought her starts buzzing! However, when you buy it, you cannot make eye contact with the store employee. That’s reserved for the sauna.
So let’s have a look at the entire range! What have we here?!
- The Tennis Coach: All your problems start with your grip; and don’t even get me started on how you handle the balls. Your service game is good, but we need to work on your backhand. Grunt louder!
- The Millionaire: I’ll only be in touch with you when I feel like it, so don’t go thinking I’ll be at your beck and call. I’ll make you feel special for a bit, but ultimately, you’ll be back to reality before long.
- The Surfer: Young, tanned, lean-bodied, and ready to dump you once things get too rough. Sand not included.
- The Fire Man: Find ’em hot, leave ’em wet. Too far?
- The Frenchman: Sacré bleu! Ow can I be expected to fulfill your désirs féminins when I have a protest to attend, cars to tip, shops to destroy, eh? And ow else do you think I got this outrageous accent?!
Why do you think The Surfer is valued lower than the other members of the Smile family? Why is it that we value success over looks in men, but the opposite in women? And why does this line of adult pleasure devices seek to reinforce that gender stereotype?
Further to the decent start made by Smile Maker in their range above, I’d like to propose a few additions to the lineup:
- The Pool Man: Similar to the Tennis Coach, but perhaps a rung or two down. Makes an appearance on an inconsistent schedule, and always has that pool smell.
- The Italian Man: Looks great, but is located awkwardly at his mother’s house.
- The German Man: Is up and ready to go at all times with great efficiency.
- The Swiss Man: Just like the German Man, but actually gets the job done, albeit is 30% more expensive.
- The Gwenyth: It seems neither normal nor natural, but the instructions assure you that it is indeed meant to go there.
Well, this whole thing has been both interesting and perplexing, as we keep unpicking the rich tapestry that is Estonian culture and society.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m to the electronics store to buy some stocking stuffers.